Kayte Discerns (An Ongoing Journey)

[Kayte Postle]

Hello Phatmass pham! It's been awhile since I've posted,  but I've still been lurking. I've grown so much in the past year. I've moved to a new town, started a new job, found a new parish, and even found a spiritual director! There's been lots of healing and the Lord has worked just amazing yet simple things in my life. I'm plucking along in discernment and have deep draw and interest in one community, who I get to visit in just two short weeks! I'm very excited and a wee bit nervous, but I know the Lord will be right there alongside me the whole way.

One thing I am thinking of is starting a video series about religious life, the discernment process in general, and my own discernment.  I do video journals pretty regularly (though not as much as of late) and was wondering if sharing some of my journey would be helpful for others. What type of information would you hypothetically be interested in seeing or think would be helpful?

I'm hoping to update this thread as things progress, but I ask that you all keep me in your prayers! Please pray especially for the weather in the next two weeks. I'll be driving to Michigan for the Come and See, and I'm particularly worried about the weather. Thanks pham, know that you all are in my prayers!

[beatitude]

Prayers for your Come and See. How exciting.

Regarding the vlog, to be honest I'd be more likely to view a video journal from someone who is further on in the discernment process and who has taken some practical steps, such as a postulant or a novice. A one-off video from someone in the initial stages of their search could be helpful too, but a regular series is a bit much. I say this because no matter how good her intentions, a woman who is only considering entrance will not have knowledge of the spirituality and ministry as it's really lived, and my questions would mostly concern those things. Secondly over the years I've seen so many blogs and vlogs from women who have been 'in discernment' for literally years. They talk about this retreat and that Come and See, and how to know whether you're a Carmelite or a Franciscan (again, a topic that would be better addressed by an experienced priest or sister who is living the life), and then the blog ends without them even getting close to entering a community. Personally I find it more helpful to listen to professed sisters or sisters in formation reflecting on their journeys so far.

[Kayte Postle]

@beatitude Thank you very much for the wise advice! You are very right that that kind of info is better coming from religious themselves, they are the ones who have lived it. I honestly didn’t think the idea had much traction, but wanted to run it past others. Again thank you very much!

[TheresaThoma]

Kayte drive safe on your way to MI. I will be praying for you!

[Kayte Postle]

The Come and See is just one short week away! I’m so excited and joyful. The weather so far is looking good in the forecast. Pray it stays that way. 

Fun note, I discovered that these sisters are having a week long sacred art retreat in Nov. I, being the giant art nerd/artist I am, have started saving so that I can attend! Even if I’m not called there, a week with art and nuns, you really can’t beat that.  

[Kayte Postle]

The retreat went well, might post more about it later as I unpack spirtiually. However I got snowed in in Michigan while driving home and am staying at a hotel overnight, with hopes that the weather will improve tomorrow, especially since I work tomorrow night.

Quick request though, any discerns (or sisters) who have discerned with a community while on anti-depressants can you shoot me a message? I have a question to ask, but don't want to ask publicly. Thanks!

 

[TheresaThoma]

Safe travels tomorrow. I hope they get the roads cleared out.

I'm glad that the retreat went well.

[28yrolddiscerner]

I personally would love to see this!  I love reading about other women’s journeys, no matter what stage they are at.  If you do make it please share on here.

God bless!

[Kayte Postle]

Made it home safely (obvs) and had time to unpack from this retreat. While this is a lovely community I went to see I don't think it's for me. It's frustrating since it's one of the few communities willing to accept me with medication. However if God isn't calling me there, God isn't calling me there. I trust that He will lead me to where He wants.

On the good news though I am talking with a VD from a different community tomorrow. I met a priest from the same religious family recently, and he really left a big impact on me. I knew I had to contact their sister community after talking with this priest. It will be interesting to see where this conversation goes, and where the Holy Spirit leads.

Still playing with the podcast or video idea. I think it would be better to start it as simply a catholic show and pepper in my discernment when I am further in the process. Praying about the idea, hit me up if you have any suggestions!

[Kayte Postle]

Had a great talk with the VD a few days ago. I got along great with the VD, and it really felt like this community is a good fit. It's like the Lord had everything I want in a community (and more) just there waiting for me. So far they are ok with my mental health needs, and are willing to continue discerning with me. They are having a few other discerners visiting with them in a few weeks, and I have some time off around the same time. I just have to find a way to pay for the plane ticket out there! Please pray that if it is the Lord's will that I will be able to make it to visit, and that the money to get there will appear.

Also had a really encouraging talk with my SD a few days ago as well. He really is a great priest, and gave me some really good practical advice to help overcome some of my more serious sin struggles. God is just moving in really great ways right now, and I'm just really joyful!

[Jennifer]

I'm  so glad to learn this good news and hope that it all works out wellfor you.

Many prayers for you Kayte.

[TheresaThoma]

That is really good news. I will definitely pray that you will be able to find a way to pay for a plane ticket to visit them. On more than one occasion God has provided the money I needed to make certain visits. Perhaps you could ask around at your parish to see if anyone may be able to help you with the cost. 

[Kayte Postle]

It's been a few since I've posted an update. Things in life are going well, and I will actually be moving to a new state and city by the end of the summer. I am so excited for this move and transition in life! I've needed a change for awhile, and things just lined up very nicely to make the move now.

Still thinking about religious life, I wasn't able to visit the community I mentioned above. I think that it was divine providence that it happened that way. I am feeling called to a community that can't accept me with medication. I am really praying about being able to come off medication within the next year (which is what my doctor has been hoping for as well), and will revisit the idea of a vocation then. Until then I'm going to focus on praying, growing, settling into a new city, and paying off my student debt.

[Kayte Postle]

Friends, in my journey I need some prayer right now. I am so frustrated because of my mental illness, especially as of late. I'm having to move soon, and I'm not even sure where I'm going to live in a few weeks. I had to cut my hair very short, because it was falling out due to stress. To say the least my mental state has been shakey lately. I'm having to lay this down at the cross about 100 times a day.

My heart longs for the convent, but I know it's still quite awhile aways, if it is in God's plan for me at all. I see the community I love and long to be there among them, and tonight my heart is sick at the thought that I might never be there. God is good always though, and I know that He is in control and ultimately working for my good, and the good and salvation of the world. He is Lord, and that's enough. Sometimes I have to remind my heart of that fact. So some prayers would be appreciated.

 

[Jennifer]

My thoughts and prayers are with you Kaye Postle. God bless you. 

[Guest]

On 6/9/2018 at 12:54 PM, Kayte Postle said:

Friends, in my journey I need some prayer right now. I am so frustrated because of my mental illness, especially as of late. I'm having to move soon, and I'm not even sure where I'm going to live in a few weeks. I had to cut my hair very short, because it was falling out due to stress. To say the least my mental state has been shakey lately. I'm having to lay this down at the cross about 100 times a day.

My heart longs for the convent, but I know it's still quite awhile aways, if it is in God's plan for me at all. I see the community I love and long to be there among them, and tonight my heart is sick at the thought that I might never be there. God is good always though, and I know that He is in control and ultimately working for my good, and the good and salvation of the world. He is Lord, and that's enough. Sometimes I have to remind my heart of that fact. So some prayers would be appreciated.

 

I was very sorry indeed to read of your plight and will keep you in daily prayer - I will be praying too for your desire for religious life and that there will be a Joyful outcome for you.

I am inspired by your open hearted honesty and your spiritual state in the midst of suffering and a very heavy cross.  Thank you very much for sharing.

[Kayte Postle]

On 6/12/2018 at 7:49 AM, BarbaraTherese said:

I was very sorry indeed to read of your plight and will keep you in daily prayer - I will be praying too for your desire for religious life and that there will be a Joyful outcome for you.

I am inspired by your open hearted honesty and your spiritual state in the midst of suffering and a very heavy cross.  Thank you very much for sharing.

Thank you BarbaraTherese. These kind words from you are really encouraging, and I often come back to them.

Struggling again fam. Mostly, I think, out of impatience. My move ended up going sour, and I had to move back in with my parents for financial reasons. This is a challenge for many reasons, but it also is difficult to continue communicating with a community and planning visits because my parents aren't aware that I'm still discerning. I've told them in the past, and it's gone very poorly. I kept "stopping" my discernment out of a need to make them happy. I've decided to keep it to myself until there is more to tell, and I am further along in the process. I love them dearly, but I cannot make decisions based off of them.

I also recently started a new job, which is going well, thanks be to God. However my heart still longs for the convent, and any time I see a sister (irl or online) I want to cry. I am struggling with impatience, and wanting things to happen on my time. My mantra and song has been "Thy will be done", even though I am terribly poor at living it out as of late. God's got a plan, I just have to see it through by trusting.

There is hope on the horizon. The community I am talking to has agreed to let me come for a visit. They are very busy in the summer with different things, so it will be easier for them if I visit in the fall. This community is willing to see what the Lord has in store, and my medication is not an automatic "no". When I talked with the VD it went splendidly, and sounds like it could be a good fit. I am hopeful, but obviously have a bit of trepidation.

I also ask for you to pray for me and my sin struggles. I've lived a way-ward life before coming to Christ, and certain sinful habits come creeping up to tempt me in times of struggle. I have to cling tightly to my Beloved amidst the storm, He's always there though clinging tightly to me.

Love you all pham, and constantly pray for you!

Edited July 4, 2018 by Kayte Postle

[Sister Leticia]

8 hours ago, Kayte Postle said:

I also ask for you to pray for me and my sin struggles. I've lived a way-ward life before coming to Christ, and certain sinful habits come creeping up to tempt me in times of struggle. I have to cling tightly to my Beloved amidst the storm, He's always there though clinging tightly to me.

Dear Kayte

I know this is hard, but try not to focus too much on your shortcomings, and memories of the past. The Enemy loves it when we do that! It makes us become discouraged and we become anxious or over-scrupulous and can begin to doubt the extent of God's love and mercy. It can make us focus on ourselves in an unhealthy, hopeless, self-loathing kind of way, so that we lose sight of God who is gazing at us with infinite tenderness and compassion - with pity not with blame (the title of a book about the spirituality of Julian of Norwich and the Cloud of Unknowing)

And as the author of the Cloud says... "It is not what you are or what you were that God looks on with merciful eyes, but what you long to be"

Sending prayers across the pond!

 

[Kayte Postle]

Hey pham! So small update, I ended telling my mother that I am still discerning. It was a very heavy and long conversation, but it went much better than I expected, not well but better than I hoped for. I am very close with my mother, and it was eating me up to not be sharing this with her. Ultimately though, she is acting out of concern for me and my health, and all she wants is my ultimate happiness. Although she'd much rather see me married, she's being a lot more supportive and understanding of my possible vocation. I thank God for the work He's doing in her, and in me.

Quick question, how often do you think I should check in with the community I am discerning with? At the latest I am going to email them in early September to plan a visit for the fall, but should I be updating or touching base with them more frequently? (I think the last time I wrote them was in early June).

 

 

Edited July 10, 2018 by Kayte Postle

[Lou]

I talk to the VD of the community I'm entering almost weekly... But I think probably monthly is a good beginning point. It's a two way street though and they can get in touch too. Though some VDs don't want to come across as if they're pressurising the discerner so it's good for you to reach out to let them know that you're still praying about it and still hoping to come to visit and still feeling that attraction. It's also helpful if they know what else you're up in the summer to help them get to know you! So if you're working a bit or going on vacation (!), just tell them, adding on that you'd like to visit in fall if that suits. Equally asking them for book recommendations to learn more about their community or Order is a wise option too  

Glad your talk with your mom went well. I have a similar situation so I empathise. Keep praying for her, these things are never as bad as they seem at first, God has a hand. All will be well.