Reality Check For Religious

[Mary Veronica]

we have to admit, we've all run into some people who just need to lighten up. Especially if there Catholic. St. Teresa of Avila spoke out against that kind of deadly serious Catholicism. "A sad nun is a bad nun," she said. "I am more afraid of one unhappy sister than a crowd of evil spirits.... What would happen if we hid what little sense of humor we had? Let each of us humbly use this to cheer others."

So here's the game:

1) Make-up or pass-on some kind of saintly humor (whether it really happened or could happen)

OR

2) just reply and represent




EX:

(really happened)
In the 1940s, Blessed Pope John XXIII (when he was still a cardinal and the papal nuncio in Paris) was at an
elegant dinner party, seated across from a woman wearing a very revealing low-cut dress. Someone turned to him and said, "Your Eminence, aren't you embarrassed that everyone is looking at that woman?" And he said, "Oh no, everyone is looking at me, to see if I'm looking at her."



to all the Carmelite's out there, heheh
(could happen, and.... should happen)

A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating about whose order was greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask for a message from God. God sent the following letter:

My beloved children,

Please stop arguing over such trivial matters. Both of your orders are equally great and good in my eyes!

Sincerely yours,

God, O.Carm.

[TeresaBenedicta]

A well-known and hard-working Jesuit has caught the eye of the local Cardinal. Impressed with the work of this young Jesuit, the Cardinal contacts his superior and asks if he can meet with the up-and-coming priest. The superior is obviously pleased and agrees. Speaking to the young Jesuit he says,

"Now, Father J., this is a huge opportunity for the Order-- you know, give us some new credibility. So, you need to make sure you really impress this Cardinal. That means greeting him properly. So, this is what you're going to say... 'Your Emminence-"

[i]"[b]His[/b] M&Ms, what about [b]my[/b] M&Ms?!!"[/i]

:-D

Edited June 14, 2010 by TeresaBenedicta

[stlmom]

A little boy attending Mass with his father was trying his best to behave through a long and boring sermon when he caught sight of the red sanctuary lamp near the altar. "Dad!", the little guy whispered. "When the light turns green, can we go??"

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='stlmom' date='14 June 2010 - 09:45 PM' timestamp='1276566347' post='2129013']
A little boy attending Mass with his father was trying his best to behave through a long and boring sermon when he caught sight of the red sanctuary lamp near the altar. "Dad!", the little guy whispered. "When the light turns green, can we go??"
[/quote]

[OnlySunshine]

A young priest was so nervous about his first mass, he memorized the Gospel, he got it a little mixed up and read, “Jesus baptized Jordon in the John.”
_________________________________________________________________________________

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

Edited June 15, 2010 by MaterMisericordiae

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' date='14 June 2010 - 07:35 PM' timestamp='1276558545' post='2128880']
A well-known and hard-working Jesuit has caught the eye of the local Cardinal. Impressed with the work of this young Jesuit, the Cardinal contacts his superior and asks if he can meet with the up-and-coming priest. The superior is obviously pleased and agrees. Speaking to the young Jesuit he says,

"Now, Father J., this is a huge opportunity for the Order-- you know, give us some new credibility. So, you need to make sure you really impress this Cardinal. That means greeting him properly. So, this is what you're going to say... 'Your Emminence-"

[i]"[b]His[/b] M&Ms, what about [b]my[/b] M&Ms?!!"[/i]

:-D
[/quote]

interesting ....I THINK, I might be a little bit Jesuit

[laetitia crucis]

This thread is FANTAAASTIC!!!

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 10:10 PM' timestamp='1276567803' post='2129046']
Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
[/quote]

the Dogma of the Immaculate Conception, WOOT! WE LOVE YOU MOTHER MARY!

[OnlySunshine]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 10:21 PM' timestamp='1276568519' post='2129068']
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
[/quote]

That's one of my favorites!!!

[laetitia crucis]

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

[OnlySunshine]

This one is my absolute favorite!

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"

[Nihil Obstat]

A young man was talking to a Franciscan priest and a Jesuit priest. He asked them "How many novenas would I need to pray for God to give me a BMW?" The Franciscan asked "What's a BMW?" The Jesuit asked "What's a novena?"

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 10:31 PM' timestamp='1276569086' post='2129079']
This one is my absolute favorite!

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"
[/quote]


Despite my ever-lingering love of Ignatius and his Jesuits , I can't help but proclaim a big "MUWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" when I hear that joke. Love it!

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Nihil Obstat' date='14 June 2010 - 10:36 PM' timestamp='1276569394' post='2129082']
A young man was talking to a Franciscan priest and a Jesuit priest. He asked them "How many novenas would I need to pray for God to give me a BMW?" The Franciscan asked "What's a BMW?" The Jesuit asked "What's a novena?"


[/quote]

Poor, poor Jesuits...

[OnlySunshine]

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Edited June 15, 2010 by MaterMisericordiae

[Nihil Obstat]

I love Jesuit jokes.




One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"



A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.




When their ship sank a Benedictine, a Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were crowded into a small lifeboat. It had a small leak and was in ever greater danger of sinking. Unfortunately, the boat was also surrounded by sharks.

So the Dominican, confident in the preaching prowess of his order, stood on the prow and begin to preach to the sharks about Christian charity and the virtues of vegetarianism; but his sermon was cut short by a leaping shark who consumed him in one gulp.

Then the Benedictine stood on the prow and began to charm the sharks with a stupendous rendition of the Exsultet, but just when he got to the part about the mother bee (mater apis) another shark dispatched him with a single gulp.

Shortly thereafter the Franciscan, climbing onto the prow, began to pray, "Blessed are you, Lord my God, for brother shark,..." when one of the sister sharks cut him off in mid-benediction.

Soon the lifeboat sank, leaving the Jesuit in the water with the sharks. But instead of eating him, several sharks towed him to shore and cast him up on the dry land. Stunned, he turned to ask them why they had not devoured him. They replied, "Professional courtesy!"





A Capuchin dies and goes to heaven, humbly knocks on the door, and is let in without any fanfare. One day, a long time later, he notices lots of commotion. Flowers are arranged, all the candles are lit, and a red carpet is rolled out. He asks an angel what's going on, and is told that they are preparing to welcome a Jesuit into heaven. Perplexed, he asks St. Peter, "I always thought there would be justice and equality in heaven, with no one receiving preferential treatment. Why are you going to such great lengths to welcome a Jesuit, whereas you hardly took any notice of me when I arrived?" St. Peter tells him in reply, "Don't you see? Another Capuchin enters heaven almost every week, but you can't imagine how long it's been since we welcomed the last Jesuit up here!"
[url="http://catholic-resources.org/JesuitJokes.htm"]My link[/url]

[laetitia crucis]

A whole page FILLED with Jesuit jokes!

This is like hitting some kind of jackpot!

Thanks for the link, Nihil!

[laetitia crucis]

(From Nihil's link.)

Latin Echo:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo.

Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"[i]Quod est Franciscanorum regula?[/i]" ("What is the rule of the Franciscans?")
And the echo replied: ".[i]..gula, gula, gula[/i]." ("Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.")

In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out: "[i]Fuitne Judas Jesuita[/i]?" ("Was Judas a Jesuit?")
And the echo replied: "[i]...ita, ita, ita.[/i]" ("Yes, yes, yes.")

[Thomist-in-Training]

From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus