Reality Check For Religious

[Bennn]

Lo, and behold; thus were the foundations of the new hermitage laid, so that Phatmassers might live in holy poverty and mortification, develop the awesome ways of chimney mail and tell Carmelite jokes.

+Pax Domini,
Ben

[vee]

[quote name='Bennn' date='17 June 2010 - 06:42 AM' timestamp='1276774955' post='2130435']
Lo, and behold; thus were the foundations of the new hermitage laid, so that Phatmassers might live in holy poverty and mortification, develop the awesome ways of chimney mail and tell Carmelite jokes.

+Pax Domini,
Ben
[/quote]

I think we need more Dominican and Franciscan jokes.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='vee8' date='17 June 2010 - 01:40 PM' timestamp='1276796448' post='2130523']
I think we need more Dominican and Franciscan jokes.
[/quote]

Agreed.

*googling*

[laetitia crucis]

[quote]A Dominican and a Franciscan friar traveling together on the way, arrived at a brook, where the Dominican requested the Franciscan, in as much as he was barefoot, to carry him over the water on his back. The Franciscan was content, and up he took him, and into the river he went; and being stepped into the chan nel, there he paused, and said to the Dominican, “Tell me (brother) have you any money about you?”

The Dominican, thinking that he aimed thereby at a consideration for his pains, answered: “Yea Maria, have I a little, but not much.”

“Much or little then”, replied the Franciscan, “well you know that my order does not allow me to carry money, although you may. And therefore…” And with that down he let slip the Dominican into the channel, where his money could not save him from being very well wet.[/quote]

[url="http://2008remodel.wordpress.com/2008/06/24/the-oldest-dominican-joke-on-record/"]Source[/url].

[laetitia crucis]

A Benedictine goes to a barber to get a hair cut. When the haircut is done he asks the barber how much he owes him, but the barber replies "oh no, I don't charge clergy." The next morning the barber comes into work and finds twelve bottles of red wine at the doorstep.

A Franciscan goes to the same barber and when the haircut is finished asks how much he owes, and the barber says "oh no, I don't charge clergy". The next morning the barber comes in to work and finds twelve loaves of fresh baked bread on his doorstep.

A Jesuit goes to the same barber, and again when the haircut is finished asks the barber how much he owes. Again, the barber replies, "oh no, I don't charge clergy." The next morning the barber comes in to work and finds twelve Jesuits at his doorstep.

[laetitia crucis]

So, I'm finding it's much easier to come across Jesuit jokes -- more so that any other Order. I find this oddly amusing...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, and pie was served for dessert. There were two pieces of pie, one cut smaller than the other. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. The Franciscan remonstrated, "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." So the Jesuit replied, "And so you have it!"

[JTheresa]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='17 June 2010 - 02:13 PM' timestamp='1276798403' post='2130540']
So, I'm finding it's much easier to come across Jesuit jokes -- more so that any other Order. I find this oddly amusing...
[/quote]

a Jesuit was taking a walk in the woods when he caught sight of a huge bear. He turned and started running away, but the bear came chasing after him. Suddenly he came to the edge of huge cliff, with no to escape the bear. So he knelt down in prayer and said, "dear Lord, please put some religion into this savage bear's heart."
Immediately, the bear dropped down on it's knees. And so the Jesuit let out a sigh of relief and said, "Thank you Lord."
Unfortunately, he didn't hear the bear's prayerful words, "Thank you Lord, for this meal which I am about to eat..."

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason there are so many good Jesuit jokes is that Jesuits enjoy making jokes about themselves. These jokes are much too good to have been thought up by any other Order. [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/tomato.gif[/img]


P.S. When I got married, we imported our own Jesuit to perform our wedding. Thankfully, the parish priest was getting older and had recently injured himself, so no one from the parish actually was present at our wedding. It was fully in compliance with the Magisterium, but unconventional. (But, no clowns or balloons or anything like that. I am guilty of many things, but even in my callow youth I did my best not to be guilty of poor taste.)

[Chiquitunga]

Okay, I'm a little behind in reading through this thread and am only up to the 5th post, but this was too funny ..

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 09:10 PM' timestamp='1276567803' post='2129046']
A young priest was so nervous about his first Mass, he memorized the Gospel, he got it a little mixed up and read, "Jesus baptized Jordon in the John.[/quote]

[vee]

A Dominican and a Franciscan friar traveling together on the way, arrived at a brook, where the Dominican requested the Franciscan, in as much as he was barefoot, to carry him over the water on his back. The Franciscan was content, and up he took him, and into the river he went; and being stepped into the chan nel, there he paused, and said to the Dominican, “Tell me (brother) have you any money about you?”

The Dominican, thinking that he aimed thereby at a consideration for his pains, answered: “Yea Maria, have I a little, but not much.”

“Much or little then”, replied the Franciscan, “well you know that my order does not allow me to carry money, although you may. And therefore…” And with that down he let slip the Dominican into the channel, where his money could not save him from being very well wet.


good one

[quote]So, I'm finding it's much easier to come across Jesuit jokes -- more so that any other Order. I find this oddly amusing.[/quote]

I've noticed that too.

Edited June 18, 2010 by vee8

[Geras16]

This thread is hilarious.

Here's my own favorite.

It was one of those noisy days in Philip Neri's room. The children were playing various games, and one of the boys was whacking a tennis ball dangerously close to a water pitcher. Philip, picturing a broken vase on the floor, walked up to the boy and said, "Son, you are holding the racket wrong. Here, let me show you." The boy watched Father Philip closely as the Saint slammed the ball into the water pitcher and sent it crashing to the floor. Philip smiled sheepishly. "You see,"he said, returning the racket, "Father Philip gets results."

We should all get results.

Edited June 19, 2010 by Geras16

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='vee8' date='16 June 2010 - 10:04 PM' timestamp='1276734881' post='2130165']
I'm going to try to make a top ten reasons to be a Carmelite so here goes. Feel free to add any.

10 brown doesn't show stains so easily
9 you won't miss tv with all the ecstacies and visions
8. when you say you're going to " hit the hay" you mean it literally
7. siesta is on the horarium
6. no worrying about having to eat donated liver
5. Carmel/caramel jokes
4.
3.
2

drum roll.........
1 actually order of secret ninjas
[/quote]

4. Wearing the Scapular is our first-class ticket out of here, woot
3. Because if someone asks "Which ones are they?" you can say "Like St. Therese."
2. Meditation and Contemplation is considered fun and cool: It's endless [i]fun [/i]to pick on yourself, and at the same time, be really [i]cool [/i]with God.
1. Actually an order of secret ninjas (highly trained in SPIRITUAL arts and stealth, martial arts is encouraged in the kitchen, hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and yes, enemy assasination).

Edited July 1, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[Mary Veronica]

So I took someone's recommendation on one of the later posts, and I read the book Tilted Haloes. I thought I'd post this encouraging but interesting story:

"All his life St. John Vianney was able to laugh heartily at his own lack of talent. Even when he was a student for the priesthood, John didn't take himself too seriously. The more he depended upon God, the more he laughed at his limitations. The professor who examined John before his ordination was exasperated with his seeming dullness.

'This fellow is a complete ass,' moaned the examiner. 'What can he possibly accomplish?'

The future Saint overheard the professor and cunningly replied, 'If Samson, armed with only the jawbone of an ass, could kill 1000 Philistines, imagine what God could do with a complete ass.'"


[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/shock.gif[/img] that's so true (nodding). St. John Vianney[img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/saint.gif[/img] , pray for us.

[lookingforfaith]

[quote name='Mary Veronica' date='30 June 2010 - 08:19 PM' timestamp='1277943575' post='2136399']
4. Wearing the Scapular is our first-class ticket out of here, woot
3. Because if someone asks "Which ones are they?" you can say "Like St. Therese."
2. Meditation and Contemplation is considered fun and cool: It's endless [i]fun [/i]to pick on yourself, and at the same time, be really [i]cool [/i]with God.
1. Actually an order of secret ninjas (highly trained in SPIRITUAL arts and stealth, martial arts is encouraged in the kitchen, hired for covert purposes ranging from espionage to sabotage and yes, enemy assasination).
[/quote]


I'm a karate student and have my green belt. Does this mean I should become a Carmelite when I eventually recieve my black belt? [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/boxer.gif[/img]

Edited July 14, 2010 by lookingforfaith

[soon2becatholic]

A man went to a horse racing event. When he took his seat, he saw something rather strange... A priest was on the track making the sign of the cross and saying prayers over horse #1. As soon as the race began, horse #1 sprinted ahead and won.

The man was shocked and so he kept watching the priest..

Now it was time for the second race. So the priest walked down the line and went to horse #5. Made the sign of the cross and said his prayers, and sure enough when the race started, horse #5 bolted ahead and won.

Now the man decided to watch the priest VERY CAREFULLY. The priest went over to horse # 3,made the sign of the cross and said his prayers again. Now the man decided to call his bank and wire over his entire account of 25,000 dollars to bet on horse #5. The man at the booth tried to disuade him. "That horse has the lowest possible odds of winning, DONT DO IT!" But the man was so excited and sure of himself.

Bursting with excitment he waited for the race to start. As soon as the race started horse #5 bolted foward..But all of a sudden it started foaming at the mouth, then fell over and died. The man couldn't believe what he just saw. Full of anger he went to the priest.
"WHAT HAPPENED, I WATCHED YOU PRAY BY THE HORSES THAT WON, AND I BET ALL MY MONEY ON THAT LAST HORSE THAT DIED"

The priest asked "Are you a Catholic?" The man replied "NO!"

Father replied: "I see, or else you would have known the difference between a blessing and the last rites"

Edited April 5, 2011 by soon2becatholic

[Santa Cruz]

A few Italian women were dining together and they were each boasting on how wonderful their son is.

One woman said, "Well, my son is so wonderful that when women see him they say, 'Your Reverence'. He is a priest."

To that, another woman responded, "My son is so wonderful that when women see him they say, 'Your Excellency'. He is a bishop.

A third woman added, "That is nothing, my son is so wonderful that when women see him they say, 'Your Eminence'. He is a cardinal."

The fourth woman, "Sorry ladies, my son is so wonderful that when women see him they say, 'Your Holiness'. My son is the pope."

The last woman at the table said, "Obviously my son is the most wonderful, when women see him they say, 'O My God'. He is a Chip and Dale dancer."