Reality Check For Religious

[Mary Veronica]

ST. Philip Neri, the "humorous saint" :

[color="#800080"]"Christian joy is a gift from God flowing from a good conscience," he said. Once, a young priest asked him what prayer would be the most appropriate to say for a couple after a wedding Mass, and Philip Neri thought and said, "A prayer for peace." [/color]

soo true

[color="#00ff00"]
[b][color="#8b0000"]St. Francis of Assisi once said, "Preach the gospel. Use words when necessary!"[/color][/b][/color]

can't preach...anymore...Uh!



[color="#ff00ff"]St. Anthony Avellino was a seventeenth-century canon lawyer who entered the Theatine order. One day a pious priest asked him, "Father Avellino, how long should one stay at the bedside of a sick person?" Rather than offer a long explanation, Avellino said, "Always be brief. There are two advantages: if they like you, they'll want you back. If you're boring, their displeasure will be short." [/color]

oh....right!

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Thomist-in-Training' date='14 June 2010 - 11:13 PM' timestamp='1276571610' post='2129104']
From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus
[/quote]

Aaahahahaha! I had forgotten about that one! I heard it from a Franciscan Sister, too. Another one of my favorite jokes!

[osapientia]

[quote name='Thomist-in-Training' date='15 June 2010 - 12:13 AM' timestamp='1276571610' post='2129104']
From a Franciscan sister:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were seated across from each other in a train compartment. Each tried to ignore the other. The Jesuit, however, kept glancing up at the Franciscan's beard and shaking his head. After several rounds of this, the Franciscan said, "Why are you looking at me that way? Hm?"
"Oh, it is nothing, my brother, nothing."
....

"Why?"

"Well... it is your beard. It reminds me of... of the beard of Judas."

"That Judas had a beard, we do not know for sure.
That he was of the [i]Company of Jesus[/i],--it is certain!"




Jesuits = Society of Jesus = also called Company of Jesus
[/quote]


EXCELLENT THREAD. Needed a laugh this morning!!

[Tridenteen]

JMJ
When the Council of whatever was debating whether or not to canonize Philip Neri, Philip appreared before them (the pope included) and said "It doesn't matte what you say! I'm a Saint already...HA HA!" he stuck out his tongue and dissapeared. The Pope looked down at the marbles used for voting, cast his hat down, and said..."All I see is white".

I heard that from somewhere, hope I got it right.

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='MaterMisericordiae' date='14 June 2010 - 10:40 PM' timestamp='1276569630' post='2129086']
A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."


[/quote]

oh duh. all hands in the air for Confession!

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Mary Veronica' date='15 June 2010 - 10:01 AM' timestamp='1276610498' post='2129223']
oh duh. all hands in the air for Confession!
[/quote]

[vee]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 09:26 PM' timestamp='1276568781' post='2129072']
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.


[/quote]

This is one of my favorite Catholic jokes although I'm not sure how the Carmelites can meditate [sub] actually they're probably napping [/sub] with all the singing and debating going on

[Mary Veronica]

[quote name='vee8' date='15 June 2010 - 02:26 PM' timestamp='1276626394' post='2129319']
This is one of my favorite Catholic jokes although I'm not sure how the Carmelites can meditate [sub] actually they're probably napping [/sub] with all the singing and debating going on
[/quote]

SO! napping aye?! wait, are you a Jesuit?...WELL in any case, I, and all my insane Carmelite peeps, demand to know what charism you predominantly have! that we too, may also go after your crew guwahahaha....and MOST LIKELY...


add you as a PM friend:


[media][url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vuaqDDr--Q&feature=related"]http://www.youtube.c...feature=related[/url][/media]


"I'll be there for you..."

Edited June 15, 2010 by Mary Veronica

[aalpha1989]

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 10:26 PM' timestamp='1276568781' post='2129072']
During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.


[/quote]

lol! I'd been looking for this one for a while, thanks for posting it.

[quote name='laetitia crucis' date='14 June 2010 - 10:54 PM' timestamp='1276570498' post='2129094']
(From Nihil's link.)

Latin Echo:

A Franciscan and a Jesuit were walking in a forest, and the Jesuit noticed that there was an echo.

Thinking to play a prank on his companion, the Jesuit shouted out in Latin:
"[i]Quod est Franciscanorum regula?[/i]" ("What is the rule of the Franciscans?")
And the echo replied: ".[i]..gula, gula, gula[/i]." ("Gluttony, gluttony, gluttony.")

In a heartbeat the Franciscan shouted out: "[i]Fuitne Judas Jesuita[/i]?" ("Was Judas a Jesuit?")
And the echo replied: "[i]...ita, ita, ita.[/i]" ("Yes, yes, yes.")
[/quote]

[brightsadness]

At a concelebrated wedding liturgy the Presider wanted to release some tension so he said (as they all stood around the sanctuary) "now let us take a minute and relieve ourselves." It cracked up the church. I kid you not, my dad was there.

[osapientia]

[quote name='brightsadness' date='15 June 2010 - 06:31 PM' timestamp='1276637478' post='2129478']
At a concelebrated wedding liturgy the Presider wanted to release some tension so he said (as they all stood around the sanctuary) "now let us take a minute and relieve ourselves." It cracked up the church. I kid you not, my dad was there.
[/quote]
Oh the poor man must have been mortified when he realized what he said. I'd have been cracking up too.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='osapientia' date='15 June 2010 - 06:22 PM' timestamp='1276640551' post='2129520']
Oh the poor man must have been mortified when he realized what he said. I'd have been cracking up too.
[/quote]

My thoughts exactly!

[Lil Red]

Top Ten Reasons to Join the Dominican Order
by Mark Shea

10. Everyone looks better wearing black and white. (Not necessarily good, but better.)

9. It adds depth and resonance to all those great Jesuit jokes.

8. November is Party Month! (St. Martin de Porres, Nov. 3; All Dominican Saints, Nov. 7; St. Albert the Great, Nov. 15)

7. They validate your parking at Santa Sabina.

6. You can learn the correct way to spell and pronounce “Schillebeeckx.”

5. You DO expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

4. Buying lots of books doesn’t count (much) against the Dominican spirit of poverty.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it’s to ask you to be his secretary.

2. Arguing in bars is part of the founding spirituality of the Order. (See para. 15 of the Libellus.)

1. If you do it right, you go to heaven.

[laetitia crucis]

[quote name='Lil Red' date='15 June 2010 - 06:29 PM' timestamp='1276640949' post='2129529']
Top Ten Reasons to Join the Dominican Order
by Mark Shea

10. Everyone looks better wearing black and white. (Not necessarily good, but better.)

9. It adds depth and resonance to all those great Jesuit jokes.

8. November is Party Month! (St. Martin de Porres, Nov. 3; All Dominican Saints, Nov. 7; St. Albert the Great, Nov. 15)

7. They validate your parking at Santa Sabina.

6. You can learn the correct way to spell and pronounce “Schillebeeckx.”

5. You DO expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

4. Buying lots of books doesn’t count (much) against the Dominican spirit of poverty.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it’s to ask you to be his secretary.

2. Arguing in bars is part of the founding spirituality of the Order. (See para. 15 of the Libellus.)

1. If you do it right, you go to heaven.
[/quote]




I might have to print those out. Too funny!

.... is #7 actually true? That would be vedy nice. (Not that I can drive... or ever will be able to drive. )

[Lil Red]

One cold winter's day in Bethlehem, just after he had been born, Jesus is lying asleep in the manger. Awaking from his nap, he opens his eyes, sees the ox and the ass standing beside him, and thinks to himself, "So this is the Company of Jesus!"
==================

There is always a right way and a wrong way to proceed: Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
=======================

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"
==============================

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."

[TeresaBenedicta]

[quote name='Lil Red' date='15 June 2010 - 07:29 PM' timestamp='1276640949' post='2129529']
Top Ten Reasons to Join the Dominican Order
by Mark Shea

10. Everyone looks better wearing black and white. (Not necessarily good, but better.)

9. It adds depth and resonance to all those great Jesuit jokes.

8. November is Party Month! (St. Martin de Porres, Nov. 3; All Dominican Saints, Nov. 7; St. Albert the Great, Nov. 15)

7. They validate your parking at Santa Sabina.

6. You can learn the correct way to spell and pronounce “Schillebeeckx.”

5. You DO expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

4. Buying lots of books doesn’t count (much) against the Dominican spirit of poverty.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it’s to ask you to be his secretary.

2. Arguing in bars is part of the founding spirituality of the Order. (See para. 15 of the Libellus.)

1. If you do it right, you go to heaven.
[/quote]

Love it!!!

[vee]

[quote name='Mary Veronica' date='15 June 2010 - 03:18 PM' timestamp='1276633131' post='2129426']
SO! napping aye?! wait, are you a Jesuit?.[/quote]

A Jesuit?! .... oh if only there were a female branch I would so try to join but alas Ignatius didnt have a St Clare type to help with that so nope not a Jesuit

Much to my shock and disappointment my charism is predominantly Carmelite For proof see this thread. [url="http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?showtopic=104829&st=0"]http://www.phatmass....pic=104829&st=0[/url]

[quote]

..WELL in any case, I, and all my insane Carmelite peeps, demand to know what charism you predominantly have! that we too, may also go after your crew [img]http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/public/style_emoticons/default/evil.gif[/img] guwahahaha....and MOST LIKELY...


add you as a PM friend: [/quote]

LOL youre so mean!

[philosophette]

This is a very funny thread. I think some of you might appreciate [url="http://www.amazon.com/Tilted-haloes-Robert-Eimer/dp/B0007EDTPC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276648417&sr=1-1"]this book[/url]. Although there is not a picture, the book is all about funny stories from the lives of the saints... some a little fantastic (like St Juliana throwing a demon into a latrine), but some are highly believable (St Bernadette and her sharp wit). It is called "Tilted Haloes" and it is very hard to find, but Amazon has a few copies.

Sister B

[philosophette]

Not to create a war... but.....

Top Ten Reasons to [url="http://www.salesianvocations.org/"]Join the Salesians[/url].
by Sister B

10. Our habit is virtue, according to Don Bosco. [We do wear a distrinct habit, though, but without virtue, we are just posers!]

9. Most of us can do magic tricks, juggle, or have some other wacky talent that would make us able to perform at birthday parties or bar mitzvahs (I do balloon twisting).

8. January (Luigi Variara, Francis de Sales, Bronislaus Markiewicz, Laura Vicuna, Don Bosco), May (Dominic Savio, Mother Mazzarello, Louis Orione, Leonard Murialdo, Joseph Kowalski, Mary Help of Christians) and October (Albert Marvelli, Alexandrina da Costa, Luigi Guanella, Michael Rua) are party months, but we have [url="http://www.sdb.org/index.php?ids=12&sott=73&ty=1"]many other reasons[/url]to celebrate.

7. Pope Pius IX was a Salesian Cooperator, as well as Leo XIII.

6. If you join the Sisters, you will study Italian, and Italian sounds really cool! (Ma, Io non bene!)

5. You never forget what it is like to be a kid because the young people remind you daily. You meet Jesus in the young and they help you to deepen your relationship with God.

4. Buying water balloons and having sneakers be your primary foot wear is totally OK if it for ministry.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it is to ask you to be his [url="http://www.vatican.va/news_services/press/documentazione/documents/cardinali_biografie/cardinali_bio_bertone_t_en.html"]Secretary of State[/url] or the [url="http://www.saltandlighttv.org/prog_slprog_witness_popup_sister_enrica.html"]under-secretary[/url]of the Congregation for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life.

2. Playing sports, hanging out with young people, sharing the faith in an informal way, opening schools for the poor, and working for positive social change are all but one small part of our founding spirit.

---- and the top reason for being a Salesian ---- drumroll, please------

1. Because it is what God is calling you to: to give your life for the young and to grow, day by day, in deeper love with Jesus as you meet him in the young.



[quote name='Lil Red' date='15 June 2010 - 05:29 PM' timestamp='1276640949' post='2129529']
Top Ten Reasons to Join the Dominican Order
by Mark Shea

10. Everyone looks better wearing black and white. (Not necessarily good, but better.)

9. It adds depth and resonance to all those great Jesuit jokes.

8. November is Party Month! (St. Martin de Porres, Nov. 3; All Dominican Saints, Nov. 7; St. Albert the Great, Nov. 15)

7. They validate your parking at Santa Sabina.

6. You can learn the correct way to spell and pronounce “Schillebeeckx.”

5. You DO expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

4. Buying lots of books doesn’t count (much) against the Dominican spirit of poverty.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it’s to ask you to be his secretary.

2. Arguing in bars is part of the founding spirituality of the Order. (See para. 15 of the Libellus.)

1. If you do it right, you go to heaven.
[/quote]

Edited June 16, 2010 by philosobrat

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='Lil Red' date='15 June 2010 - 06:29 PM' timestamp='1276640949' post='2129529']
Top Ten Reasons to Join the Dominican Order
by Mark Shea

10. Everyone looks better wearing black and white. (Not necessarily good, but better.)

9. It adds depth and resonance to all those great Jesuit jokes.

8. November is Party Month! (St. Martin de Porres, Nov. 3; All Dominican Saints, Nov. 7; St. Albert the Great, Nov. 15)

7. They validate your parking at Santa Sabina.

6. You can learn the correct way to spell and pronounce “Schillebeeckx.”

5. You DO expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition.

4. Buying lots of books doesn’t count (much) against the Dominican spirit of poverty.

3. When Cardinal Ratzinger summons you to Rome, it’s to ask you to be his secretary.

2. Arguing in bars is part of the founding spirituality of the Order. (See para. 15 of the Libellus.)

1. If you do it right, you go to heaven.
[/quote]



LOVE IT!