marigold Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You were fortunate to have your personal translater at hand for Pope Francis' first blessing on TV . Good luck with the job hunting................I hope that you'll be successful. God Bless. Thank you! Old Francesco does come across well. I can't really express how good it is to have this 'base' to come to and read about other people's experiences and just chat silliness about nuns as well. Many of you go out of your way on my behalf and it doesn't get forgotten. I've been to two interviews today, one at an agency and another informally this evening, on the phone. The second wants to meet in person tomorrow morning - at Starbucks :) It's a a good nannying position, part-time but better paid than my last nanny job, and I have a good feeling about it. Please pray! Other than that, just getting through each day as it comes. Sometimes I feel positive and confident, and the struggles of the past months feel in perspective and I can see past the human woundedness that caused the problems at the monastery and feel happy to have known those sisters and been part of their life for a while. Other days - like today - it feels overwhelmingly difficult to even understand, let alone put behind me. I can get to feeling very resentful towards sisters whom I considered to have been in responsible positions, and feeling angry at myself for making the (occasionally quite spectacular) mistakes I did. One thing I'm finding hard is re-learning how to 'put on my armour' when I'm out and about. Being at the monastery even for such a short time really took down my defences, and I think that's because I went into it with 100% body and soul. Which is maybe why coming back has been such a shock - because on some level I truly wasn't expecting to, and had let go of a lot of the things we use to survive out in the 'jungle' even before I left. I can see now what a massive privilege it was to have had a job where I didn't have to protect myself, where I was in a secure, devout family and my work was conducive to prayer. What haunts me is the thought that this was my chance, and I've blown it. I know in my head that it was an unliveable situation and I wouldn't have survived even if I'd stayed (if that makes sense). But I wonder what'll happen if I'm not accepted into another monastery. It's not that I can't see myself living in the world - I just don't want it.
Carmelshrimp Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Gently, girl, gently. This isn't the tiime for working yourself into a frenzy of anxiety about the next monastery, it's a time for healing after the loss of your first one. You're going through bereavement in a very real sense and you need to treat yourself kindly and let the raw wound close a bit before you start making big plans. If God's calling you to the monastery, he'll get you there in his own good time. Just now, the thing you need mmore than anything is recovery and peace. Love hurts - we know it in our heads but when it hits our hearts we know just how true that is. You hurt because you love, so take courage. God knows how that feels better than any of us. You're in my prayers.
marigold Posted March 17, 2013 Author Posted March 17, 2013 (edited) I'm realising that a lot of interior stress comes from the difference between what life is, and what one thinks life should be. It's when I start to think in ifs and whens that things go sour. My life as it is, is actually very good. Precious glimpses of being happy in the present moment! God is not there, he is here. With me. Edited March 17, 2013 by marigold
Antigonos Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 I'm realising that a lot of interior stress comes from the difference between what life is, and what one thinks life should be. It's when I start to think in ifs and whens that things go sour. My life as it is, is actually very good. Precious glimpses of being happy in the present moment! God is not there, he is here. With me. That is a very important insight.
juchu Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Marigold, i wrote you a pm some days ago, maybe you forget to check (I sometimes have pms in my inbox for weeks without realising it, also because I am not so much online...), because it is still marked as "not yet read" ;) :)
marigold Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Daily prayer for you, M That is a very important insight. ^^^^^^^^ What she said, +++++! Prayers...... Thank you very much guys :nun3:
marigold Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Marigold, i wrote you a pm some days ago, maybe you forget to check (I sometimes have pms in my inbox for weeks without realising it, also because I am not so much online...), because it is still marked as "not yet read" ;) :) Oops! Going to check now...
MarysLittleFlower Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I know it might be easier said than done, but try to not think like you've had your chance and didn't take it. I mean, people do often discern with different monasteries. One monastery might not work, but another might work....each one is so different! :) If you feel drawn to religious life, I think it's a great idea to keep open to this idea! :)
mme_hardy Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I actually came back to VS to check if there was word from you. God bless you in your goings out and comings in, and in all your endeavors.
marigold Posted March 29, 2013 Author Posted March 29, 2013 I actually came back to VS to check if there was word from you. God bless you in your goings out and comings in, and in all your endeavors. Thank you very much! :)
marigold Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 Things are going well. Yesterday I visited Sr. Faith and had a long and very good talk with her. My monastery's (now ex-) intern has moved over to us in London and she is wonderful to have around. I love her so much! I also got the job I mentioned on 15th March, a good nannying job about 20 minutes' walk from home. I'll probably start this coming Monday. So God is quite clearly looking after me, and my family and friends as well. I realised that even in the worst times, I still want to want to follow him, even when I don't want to. If that makes sense... And that is a pretty major blessing. So thank you PMers - as we say, "By your prayers..."
marigold Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 Just a few thoughts after having got my internet back... This Lent has been a disaster on a practical level, but even in the midst of feeling completely unprepared for Holy Week (next week for us) there is a recognition that this is probably what I needed - to feel totally at sea, and have my heart broken. So often I've had those moments of seeing your life from the outside, and thinking in horror, how did this become my life? How has this happened to me? But over the past few weeks, thanks in good part to visiting Sr. Faith and thinking and talking through things with a mentor, I was given the gift of compassion for my sisters and for the whole situation, and that had been completely absent before. So it was truly a gift. Every day there are feelings of hopelessness and shock, mixed in with happiness in the moment and feeling open to a future without a monastery. But even typing that feels horrible. Even though I can adjust to being in the world and all that brings with it, I temper it with the thought that it's not going to last forever... But on the other hand, no matter how much I struggle against the present situation, I realise that I'm so all over the place that I'm not ready to be in a monastery yet. Sigh. I'm going to have a cup of tea.
Nunsense Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Just a few thoughts after having got my internet back... This Lent has been a disaster on a practical level, but even in the midst of feeling completely unprepared for Holy Week (next week for us) there is a recognition that this is probably what I needed - to feel totally at sea, and have my heart broken. So often I've had those moments of seeing your life from the outside, and thinking in horror, how did this become my life? How has this happened to me? But over the past few weeks, thanks in good part to visiting Sr. Faith and thinking and talking through things with a mentor, I was given the gift of compassion for my sisters and for the whole situation, and that had been completely absent before. So it was truly a gift. Every day there are feelings of hopelessness and shock, mixed in with happiness in the moment and feeling open to a future without a monastery. But even typing that feels horrible. Even though I can adjust to being in the world and all that brings with it, I temper it with the thought that it's not going to last forever... But on the other hand, no matter how much I struggle against the present situation, I realise that I'm so all over the place that I'm not ready to be in a monastery yet. Sigh. I'm going to have a cup of tea. Having been where you are, I can relate completely. Know that we are all praying for you, here on phatmass and also in Carmel. If you make it up Midlands way, stop in to Wolverhampton Carmel for a parlour visit. Our extern would make anyone laugh with her tales of vocation struggle! :) The important thing is not to fight the pain, but be open to healing humour as well. Much love in Christ Jesus. Sr Annie
BarbTherese Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Nunsense ", but be open to healing humour as well. "
BarbTherese Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Just a few thoughts after having got my internet back... This Lent has been a disaster on a practical level, but even in the midst of feeling completely unprepared for Holy Week (next week for us) there is a recognition that this is probably what I needed - to feel totally at sea, and have my heart broken. So often I've had those moments of seeing your life from the outside, and thinking in horror, how did this become my life? How has this happened to me? But over the past few weeks, thanks in good part to visiting Sr. Faith and thinking and talking through things with a mentor, I was given the gift of compassion for my sisters and for the whole situation, and that had been completely absent before. So it was truly a gift. Every day there are feelings of hopelessness and shock, mixed in with happiness in the moment and feeling open to a future without a monastery. But even typing that feels horrible. Even though I can adjust to being in the world and all that brings with it, I temper it with the thought that it's not going to last forever... But on the other hand, no matter how much I struggle against the present situation, I realise that I'm so all over the place that I'm not ready to be in a monastery yet. Sigh. I'm going to have a cup of tea. All is still very close to you yet, and the living pain passes with time and writing will not be so difficult once hindsight is simply reflecting back from a place which is Peace and Joy, happiness just to be you. You will be there! But a cuppa with some thankfulness in one's heart for gifts received along the journey helps the healing process. And humour relieves stress and tension and is indeed another factor in the healing process. Many gifts along the Via Dolorosa.
maximillion Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 I echo what others have said, the sacrament of the present moment seems relevant here. Your humility and acceptance will be rewarded.... Prayers and a big hug. (or a steaming cuppa - or both!)
Guest Allie Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Praying for you. I'm grateful for your willingness to share. Also, please remember the impact of the fast as you approach Great week. Pascha comes. ( Close Orthodox Friends.)
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