That's All, Folks! Or So I Thought...

[marigold]

Oh dear:( I understand that very well. My very best friend ever in my former community has left the community too and by now she's organizing a massive campaign against the community. This is SO sad.

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's so hard to know what to do, how to react. *hugs*

[brandelynmarie]

 
I got another piece of news in the past week: one of the sisters at my former community, who left a few months after I did, has decided not to continue in monastic life. She's been living near the monastery, still as a nun until now. She was my closest friend there, and a true inspiration in the Christian life. So I feel kind of sad about that.

  

Oh dear:( I understand that very well. My very best friend ever in my former community has left the community too and by now she's organizing a massive campaign against the community. This is SO sad.

:console: Peace be with you both...& with these women...

[Catherine Therese]

Along similar lines... there was a news program on TV this evening about a group within the Church (I won't name them because it is not my intention to be controversial in VS) who have been plagued by scandal and difficulty... there are a great many people involved in this group who are genuinely sincere Catholics seeking to give their lives to God and His Church. A couple of former members of this group who were interviewed used the scandal and difficulty within the order to justify turning away from their Catholic faith. 

 

These people have been hurt so deeply by certain events and the terrible behaviour of a few... so deeply wounded... that the only response that to them seems to make sense is a response that is actually quite absurd and will cause them greater grief as life goes on, if only they could see it. 

 

I think campaigns, books, tv interviews etc. that various ex-religious organise/publish/participate in would be fewer in occurrence if there were better pastoral support mechanisms in place and people knew where to go for a productive outlet that would help them heal, not a destructive outlet that will serve only to further embitter them and put the faith of others at risk.

 

I feel very strongly that there needs to be a serious investment of energy, money, people, time and understanding into ministering to those who try religious life and for whatever reason find themselves out in the world again, whether by their choosing or by the order of another. Every Diocesan vocations office who really wants people to try religious life should have people trained in counselling on their staff, and the whole topic of leaving the seminary/convent shouldn't be one that is treated as almost taboo. It should be openly discussed and it should NOT be a badge of shame. The pastoral needs of discerners need to be properly supported at all parts of the "discernment life-cycle", so to speak - not just when we're "roping them in".  We also need to realise that exclaustration is both a valid and licit option for people under vows for a variety of reasons, reasons to which we may not necessarily be privy, so the fact that one has left their order after vows should not be something that causes us to doubt a person's good intentions, faith or integrity. 

 

How much all of these people need the prayers of the universal church.

 

Finally - those of us who have left religious life and by some amazing grace-shower have been protected from bitterness and still have our faith - we have a very real responsibility to represent fellow "leavers" who may be struggling more than we are, and to support whomever we can in that situation. 

 

WE ARE our brothers/sisters' keepers.  

 

 

-------------------------

 

BTW - so many of you have supported me through my first 18 months out (THANK YOU!!  :like3: ). Just so that you know - I hope to be able to "pay it forward" and help others through as well. 

[Nunsense]

Along similar lines... there was a news program on TV this evening about a group within the Church (I won't name them because it is not my intention to be controversial in VS) who have been plagued by scandal and difficulty... there are a great many people involved in this group who are genuinely sincere Catholics seeking to give their lives to God and His Church. A couple of former members of this group who were interviewed used the scandal and difficulty within the order to justify turning away from their Catholic faith. 

 

These people have been hurt so deeply by certain events and the terrible behaviour of a few... so deeply wounded... that the only response that to them seems to make sense is a response that is actually quite absurd and will cause them greater grief as life goes on, if only they could see it. 

 

I think campaigns, books, tv interviews etc. that various ex-religious organise/publish/participate in would be fewer in occurrence if there were better pastoral support mechanisms in place and people knew where to go for a productive outlet that would help them heal, not a destructive outlet that will serve only to further embitter them and put the faith of others at risk.

 

I feel very strongly that there needs to be a serious investment of energy, money, people, time and understanding into ministering to those who try religious life and for whatever reason find themselves out in the world again, whether by their choosing or by the order of another. Every Diocesan vocations office who really wants people to try religious life should have people trained in counselling on their staff, and the whole topic of leaving the seminary/convent shouldn't be one that is treated as almost taboo. It should be openly discussed and it should NOT be a badge of shame. The pastoral needs of discerners need to be properly supported at all parts of the "discernment life-cycle", so to speak - not just when we're "roping them in".  We also need to realise that exclaustration is both a valid and licit option for people under vows for a variety of reasons, reasons to which we may not necessarily be privy, so the fact that one has left their order after vows should not be something that causes us to doubt a person's good intentions, faith or integrity. 

 

How much all of these people need the prayers of the universal church.

 

Finally - those of us who have left religious life and by some amazing grace-shower have been protected from bitterness and still have our faith - we have a very real responsibility to represent fellow "leavers" who may be struggling more than we are, and to support whomever we can in that situation. 

 

WE ARE our brothers/sisters' keepers.  

 

 

-------------------------

 

BTW - so many of you have supported me through my first 18 months out (THANK YOU!!  :like3: ). Just so that you know - I hope to be able to "pay it forward" and help others through as well. 

 

 

CT- I couldn't agree with you more -- this has been a neglected area of the Church ministry - taking care of those who have left religious life (or been asked to leave). It isn't the same as leaving a job or even leaving a human relationship because it is so tied in, not only with one's identity within the Church, but also the feelings of being rejected by God. And, as you point out, there can also be a loss of faith, either in God or in His Church. Perhaps this should even be a specific type of spiritual direction - recovering from the grief of leaving religious life? Good post. :)

[maximillion]

Could not agree more and many props CT.

(Would have said more but nunsense said it!)

[marigold]

Really good insights. As Orthodox, one of my perennial frustrations is that the boilerplate answer to everything is 'Talk to your spiritual father. Talk to your priest.' I'm really lucky that my priest is both educated in the faith AND humanly compassionate and able to listen (I truly thank God for him) but there are things he's simply not able to address. For some amazing unknown reason, God has decided to spare me from bitterness and losing my faith (and I came close to both), but if he hadn't, I would not be here. I'm sorry, but the presence of my priest, even in confession, did little to nothing towards healing from that bad monastery experience.

 

You think you've got it bad that your systems don't work and people aren't doing their jobs in helping people coming out of seminary/monasteries. We haven't even conceived that such a thing might be needed.

[AveMariaPurissima]

CT- I couldn't agree with you more -- this has been a neglected area of the Church ministry - taking care of those who have left religious life (or been asked to leave). It isn't the same as leaving a job or even leaving a human relationship because it is so tied in, not only with one's identity within the Church, but also the feelings of being rejected by God. And, as you point out, there can also be a loss of faith, either in God or in His Church. Perhaps this should even be a specific type of spiritual direction - recovering from the grief of leaving religious life? Good post. :)

A few weeks ago Leonie's Longing did a live chat about grief after leaving religious life, which can be watched here: http://www.leonieslonging.org/good-grief-chat/

 

The main site is here: http://www.leonieslonging.org/

[marigold]

A few weeks ago Leonie's Longing did a live chat about grief after leaving religious life, which can be watched here: http://www.leonieslonging.org/good-grief-chat/

The main site is here: http://www.leonieslonging.org/

Thank you for sharing this! I'm going to watch it over the weekend!

[TheresaThoma]

I think that looking at how a community handles a member leaving (at any stage of formation and vows) is something that discerners have to look at. Personally I think it is something that is very telling of the "health" of a communities formation. I feel that discerners need to know how the community would handle someone leaving. Obviously there will be some people who will have had bad experience in leaving a community. I do agree that there should be more support for those discerning out, potentially added onto a vocations office. Though this is also something that can start from the "bottom up" If you know someone that has discerned out of a community support them. 

Something else that may or may not be a contributing factor is many of the young women entering are in their college years or right after which means that for most of them they don't have strong ties to a particular parish/faith community outside of the community that they just left.

[marigold]

I think that looking at how a community handles a member leaving (at any stage of formation and vows) is something that discerners have to look at. Personally I think it is something that is very telling of the "health" of a communities formation. I feel that discerners need to know how the community would handle someone leaving. Obviously there will be some people who will have had bad experience in leaving a community. I do agree that there should be more support for those discerning out, potentially added onto a vocations office. Though this is also something that can start from the "bottom up" If you know someone that has discerned out of a community support them.
Something else that may or may not be a contributing factor is many of the young women entering are in their college years or right after which means that for most of them they don't have strong ties to a particular parish/faith community outside of the community that they just left.

So true. At my former community there were ghosts of sisters past everywhere - in some cases it looked like they'd left in such a hurry that they hadn't put anything away! I remember seeing all these dried up seedlings and a watering can in the makeshift seed-growing area in the basement (which was a minefield in itself), it was a little unsettling! I asked Mother and she just laughed it off.

I think I was too young and dumb to realise that these signs might indicate an unhealthy community any quicker than I did. At that time too I was still buying into Mother's stories of how 100% of the former sisters were apparently crazy and couldn't deal with the holy radiance of her community. I know that a lot of broken people come to monastic life (I include myself) but to hear her talk, you'd think she'd encountered some of America's worst nutcases.

I'm not sure if this post slips over into gossiping, so if anyone thinks it's going too far, please call me out on it.

[marigold]

Ugh I left it too late to edit my above post. What i was trying to say was, I wasn't sure it if was uncharitable. It makes for uncomfortable reading, and it was an uncomfortable experience - I want to be able to tell people some of the screwier things that happened, as a warning of things to look out for, but I'm not sure I can do it without being uncharitable to members of my former community.

Now I think about it, they did have a vague policy on helping people readjust if they left, but I never heard about or saw it implemented, or experienced it myself beyond two emails once I'd gone home.

[petitpèlerin]

So true. At my former community there were ghosts of sisters past everywhere - in some cases it looked like they'd left in such a hurry that they hadn't put anything away! I remember seeing all these dried up seedlings and a watering can in the makeshift seed-growing area in the basement (which was a minefield in itself), it was a little unsettling! I asked Mother and she just laughed it off.

I think I was too young and dumb to realise that these signs might indicate an unhealthy community any quicker than I did. At that time too I was still buying into Mother's stories of how 100% of the former sisters were apparently crazy and couldn't deal with the holy radiance of her community. I know that a lot of broken people come to monastic life (I include myself) but to hear her talk, you'd think she'd encountered some of America's worst nutcases.

I'm not sure if this post slips over into gossiping, so if anyone thinks it's going too far, please call me out on it.

 

Wow. That feels like a creepy experience to me. I would be wary of any community whose superior told me that. That's a crazy thing for anyone to say. I met a guy once who told me that all his ex-girlfriends were psychos. At first I thought he was kidding but then I realized he was serious, and although I was very young and naive at the time I had the sense to think "that tells me that you're the psycho". Turns out he was. I won't go into here. I felt relieved when I moved out of his neighborhood. Anyway, it's classic projection: when "everyone" but you has a certain problem, it's really time to look in the mirror.

 

I'm really sorry you went through this experience, Marigold, but glad you came out of it stronger and wiser.

[petitpèlerin]

I just had a very positive experience with the sisters I entered and left last fall. I was visiting the community (brothers and both branches of sisters) and was touched when the prioress general and the novice mistresses each approached me at different times during the event and greeted me warmly and asked how I was doing. I felt so welcomed and loved by them, and socialized with friends who are younger sisters in formation, which I'm very happy about since they could be my sisters after all (since I'm discerning with their other branch of sisters)! That's a healthy community. :)

[Nunsense]

So true. At my former community there were ghosts of sisters past everywhere - in some cases it looked like they'd left in such a hurry that they hadn't put anything away! I remember seeing all these dried up seedlings and a watering can in the makeshift seed-growing area in the basement (which was a minefield in itself), it was a little unsettling! I asked Mother and she just laughed it off.

I think I was too young and dumb to realise that these signs might indicate an unhealthy community any quicker than I did. At that time too I was still buying into Mother's stories of how 100% of the former sisters were apparently crazy and couldn't deal with the holy radiance of her community. I know that a lot of broken people come to monastic life (I include myself) but to hear her talk, you'd think she'd encountered some of America's worst nutcases.

I'm not sure if this post slips over into gossiping, so if anyone thinks it's going too far, please call me out on it.

 

 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently because not only my Prioress, but also two priests I have spoken with recently (a spiritual director and a Confessor) have brought up the fact that they think I have been 'wounded' by past experiences in religious life. Each one of these wonderful people has been helping me with the healing process but they have done more than that.They have made me think about how easy it is for human beings to want to find someone to 'blame' for anything that goes wrong. 

 

Of course a community is going to blame the person who leaves - it justifies their own behavior and takes away any feelings of guilt or responsibility or a need to change. But guess what? The same thing can happen in the person who leaves - only they usually have to face one of two options - either accept all the blame themselves and feel like a worthless failure, or put all the blame on the community to ease their pain and feelings of rejection/failure.

 

But the truth is that relationships are complex and no two people handle the same situation in the same way. Sometimes when I talk to my biological sister about her work environment I don't think I could handle what she puts up with, but to her it is almost like water off a duck's back - because she has a different temperament than I do, different expectations of her work environment, and different factors in her life that make it possible for her to put up with what sounds like sheer insanity (she works for the public service and there is a lot of dysfunction and lack of common sense there). But she tells me that she feels like she makes a difference and she actually enjoys the work she does, if not all of the nonsense. She is a plodder, putting one foot in front of the other and enduring whatever comes her way.

 

If we understand the fact that some communities are basically just dysfunctional (like some families), then people like my sister have the nature, temperament, personality, or skills to put up with a this kind of environment and to actually grow from it (St Therese springs to mind), and to focus only on their work and their end goals.Others, perhaps a bit more like me, find some situations almost unbearable and can't make it through any kind of perceived 'insanity'. I tell my sister how much I admire her and wish I were more like her. But she tells me that there is no way she could have lived the life I have, with its adventure, challenges, obstacles, abuses and rejections etc. She calls me courageous and passionate and ready to give everything of myself whereas she sees herself as more timid and fearful because she would rather put up with the difficulties in her job that she already knows, than face the uncertainty of trying to find a new job where there might be other problems that she would have to cope with. God gave each of us our own strengths and weaknesses so we can live the lives that He has given us.

 

Trying to find someone to blame for the breakdown of a relationship between a community and a candidate is really counter-productive to moving forward (for both sides). When communities blame the candidates who fail - it is often so that they don't have to face their own shortcomings or make changes to what has always appeared to work in the past (even if they haven't had any vocations enter or stay in ages). But sometimes it is because they have actually been through quite a lot themselves by previous candidates and they try to develop a self-defense mechanism on behalf of the whole community. Some of the stories I have heard about candidates who enter and then either end up doing a 'fly by night' (disappearing without a word to anyone) or telling a Prioress that they have just phoned someone to come pick them up as they are leaving that day (with no prior warning) or going insane (one sat on her window ledge and threatened to jump) or simply refusing to accept the psychological evaluation for entrance (one had her father phone up and threaten the psychologist with legal action if he didn't change his negative evaluation), etc etc. Let's face it, there are a lot of 'weirdos' in the world (expert psychological term :) ). And communities have to deal with their fair share of them.

 

But it is also easy for candidates who leave to try to deal with their own pain by blaming everything on the community instead of accepting that the relationship is just not working out -- and perhaps due in part to their own nature and temperament they are simply not suited to cope with the eccentricities (or defects or dysfunction - choose your word) of that particular community. In my opinion, honesty helps. It's good to analyse the failings of the community, but only from a distance and stripped of their emotional impact on the candidate - which can't be done immediately after a painful separation. But eventually the candidate needs to examine their own expectations and try to determine whether these were realistic given the lack of knowledge/information prior to actually living the life with that community, and more importantly, taking into account their own nature and temperament, strengths and weaknesses.

 

I am also discovering that it is more healing to admit that for whatever reasons, some relationships (between a candidate and a community) are simply not life-affirming for either side, and both sides are better off if it ends. That doesn't mean that there wasn't any value in the relationship for the period that it lasted. There are always things to be learned, especially through adversity. In order to move forward though, it is important (at least for the candidate in order to heal) to reflect on the experience - not the negatives of the pain and hurt or assigning blame - but on the lessons learned about oneself and the possibilities the future still holds. Of course, this is a lot easier to do when one is feeling good about things that are currently happening in their lives - that is why it is important not to get stuck - or to dwell any longer than absolutely necessary on one's 'woundedness'. It is easy to 'wallow' in self-pity and get stuck there if one is not careful - that's why anger (at God) is sometimes better (at least for me), because it doesn't feel quite as good as self-pity, so it's easier to want to get out of it sooner. But that's just me. Then end of any relationship involves grief, and we all deal with this in our times, and our own ways. But eventually, with any grief, it is time to let go, let God, and move on again.

 

So the sooner one gets out of the negative aspects of the past, the sooner one starts to move forward and to feel better about the present and the future -- and then glancing back at the past doesn't seem to hurt as much anymore. It just becomes a small part of the tapestry of one's life.

 

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you strong.I don't know if that's true, but I do like this quote that my sister keeps on her fridge.

 

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."  - Leonard Cohen

 

[1054]

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you strong.I don't know if that's true, but I do like this quote that my sister keeps on her fridge.

 

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."  - Leonard Cohen

 

 

 

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."
Groucho Marx 

:disguise:   (Couldn't find one with a cigar...)

[be_thou_my_vision]

I just had a very positive experience with the sisters I entered and left last fall. I was visiting the community (brothers and both branches of sisters) and was touched when the prioress general and the novice mistresses each approached me at different times during the event and greeted me warmly and asked how I was doing. I felt so welcomed and loved by them, and socialized with friends who are younger sisters in formation, which I'm very happy about since they could be my sisters after all (since I'm discerning with their other branch of sisters)! That's a healthy community. :)

I'm happy to hear, petitpelerin, that you had a positive experience when you left your community. I also did. 

When I decided to leave, the sisters gave me more than enough provisions to restart my life outside the community. The Junior Sisters formator kept in regular contact with me, and still does (2 years later) by email. She has invited me to come and visit every so often. The Sisters are always so warm and welcoming when I visit.

I understand all of this to mean that they truly care about me, and had my best interest in mind when guiding me during my 5 years in the community. When someone tells you they love you, and then you see it in action... well, that really indicates that they do.

I will be forever grateful to my former community. They share my joy as well as I enter into a new vocation as wife and mom. Their continued support is a real witness.

[brandelynmarie]

I too, am fond of the above quote & I got mine (see the bottom of this box ;) )from a book Sister Mary Catharine wrote!:bible: :nun:

Edited July 3, 2014 by brandelynmarie

[OnlySunshine]

I'm happy to hear, petitpelerin, that you had a positive experience when you left your community. I also did. 

When I decided to leave, the sisters gave me more than enough provisions to restart my life outside the community. The Junior Sisters formator kept in regular contact with me, and still does (2 years later) by email. She has invited me to come and visit every so often. The Sisters are always so warm and welcoming when I visit.

I understand all of this to mean that they truly care about me, and had my best interest in mind when guiding me during my 5 years in the community. When someone tells you they love you, and then you see it in action... well, that really indicates that they do.

I will be forever grateful to my former community. They share my joy as well as I enter into a new vocation as wife and mom. Their continued support is a real witness.

 

That, I believe, is the mark of a thoughtful and healthy community.  Very glad to hear you had plenty of support as I hear it can be challenging in many ways to leave the familiar convent and embark on a new way of life. 

[veritasluxmea]

Ugh I left it too late to edit my above post. What i was trying to say was, I wasn't sure it if was uncharitable. It makes for uncomfortable reading, and it was an uncomfortable experience - I want to be able to tell people some of the screwier things that happened, as a warning of things to look out for, but I'm not sure I can do it without being uncharitable to members of my former community.

Now I think about it, they did have a vague policy on helping people readjust if they left, but I never heard about or saw it implemented, or experienced it myself beyond two emails once I'd gone home.

 

Thank you for sharing marigold. I think it was honest but still charitable. For new/young discerners I think it's important to understand and be aware of unhealthy communities and their effects on formation and vowed life. When I first started discerning, I was pretty naive about communities (I still am in a lot of ways!) and I thought as long as they followed church teachings and wore habits they were "good" (as in healthy, not holy... there are many holy people in difficult communities). I had to learn, once the hard way, mostly through wiser people's advice, that it's a lot more complicated than that! This article really helped: http://catholicexchange.com/sifting-the-wheat-from-the-tares-20-signs-of-trouble-in-a-new-religious-group

 

If it's ok, I wonder if you would have anything to add to that? I had a brief discernment with a community which I was close to joining, and I would mention a few things:

a) If it's all happening very fast, don't necessarily take it as a sign that God wants it to happen (but don't necessarily take it as a bad sign either). Slow down a bit, get other people's input, put it in His hands. 

b) See if you can find out how the community is thought of by the priests, bishops, and other people who come in contact with them/work with them. Just because their presence is tolerated, allowed, or yes, even asked for doesn't guarantee they're well thought of. 

[marigold]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently because not only my Prioress, but also two priests I have spoken with recently (a spiritual director and a Confessor) have brought up the fact that they think I have been 'wounded' by past experiences in religious life. Each one of these wonderful people has been helping me with the healing process but they have done more than that.They have made me think about how easy it is for human beings to want to find someone to 'blame' for anything that goes wrong. 
 
Of course a community is going to blame the person who leaves - it justifies their own behavior and takes away any feelings of guilt or responsibility or a need to change. But guess what? The same thing can happen in the person who leaves - only they usually have to face one of two options - either accept all the blame themselves and feel like a worthless failure, or put all the blame on the community to ease their pain and feelings of rejection/failure.
 
But the truth is that relationships are complex and no two people handle the same situation in the same way. Sometimes when I talk to my biological sister about her work environment I don't think I could handle what she puts up with, but to her it is almost like water off a duck's back - because she has a different temperament than I do, different expectations of her work environment, and different factors in her life that make it possible for her to put up with what sounds like sheer insanity (she works for the public service and there is a lot of dysfunction and lack of common sense there). But she tells me that she feels like she makes a difference and she actually enjoys the work she does, if not all of the nonsense. She is a plodder, putting one foot in front of the other and enduring whatever comes her way.
 
If we understand the fact that some communities are basically just dysfunctional (like some families), then people like my sister have the nature, temperament, personality, or skills to put up with a this kind of environment and to actually grow from it (St Therese springs to mind), and to focus only on their work and their end goals.Others, perhaps a bit more like me, find some situations almost unbearable and can't make it through any kind of perceived 'insanity'. I tell my sister how much I admire her and wish I were more like her. But she tells me that there is no way she could have lived the life I have, with its adventure, challenges, obstacles, abuses and rejections etc. She calls me courageous and passionate and ready to give everything of myself whereas she sees herself as more timid and fearful because she would rather put up with the difficulties in her job that she already knows, than face the uncertainty of trying to find a new job where there might be other problems that she would have to cope with. God gave each of us our own strengths and weaknesses so we can live the lives that He has given us.
 
Trying to find someone to blame for the breakdown of a relationship between a community and a candidate is really counter-productive to moving forward (for both sides). When communities blame the candidates who fail - it is often so that they don't have to face their own shortcomings or make changes to what has always appeared to work in the past (even if they haven't had any vocations enter or stay in ages). But sometimes it is because they have actually been through quite a lot themselves by previous candidates and they try to develop a self-defense mechanism on behalf of the whole community. Some of the stories I have heard about candidates who enter and then either end up doing a 'fly by night' (disappearing without a word to anyone) or telling a Prioress that they have just phoned someone to come pick them up as they are leaving that day (with no prior warning) or going insane (one sat on her window ledge and threatened to jump) or simply refusing to accept the psychological evaluation for entrance (one had her father phone up and threaten the psychologist with legal action if he didn't change his negative evaluation), etc etc. Let's face it, there are a lot of 'weirdos' in the world (expert psychological term :) ). And communities have to deal with their fair share of them.
 
But it is also easy for candidates who leave to try to deal with their own pain by blaming everything on the community instead of accepting that the relationship is just not working out -- and perhaps due in part to their own nature and temperament they are simply not suited to cope with the eccentricities (or defects or dysfunction - choose your word) of that particular community. In my opinion, honesty helps. It's good to analyse the failings of the community, but only from a distance and stripped of their emotional impact on the candidate - which can't be done immediately after a painful separation. But eventually the candidate needs to examine their own expectations and try to determine whether these were realistic given the lack of knowledge/information prior to actually living the life with that community, and more importantly, taking into account their own nature and temperament, strengths and weaknesses.
 
I am also discovering that it is more healing to admit that for whatever reasons, some relationships (between a candidate and a community) are simply not life-affirming for either side, and both sides are better off if it ends. That doesn't mean that there wasn't any value in the relationship for the period that it lasted. There are always things to be learned, especially through adversity. In order to move forward though, it is important (at least for the candidate in order to heal) to reflect on the experience - not the negatives of the pain and hurt or assigning blame - but on the lessons learned about oneself and the possibilities the future still holds. Of course, this is a lot easier to do when one is feeling good about things that are currently happening in their lives - that is why it is important not to get stuck - or to dwell any longer than absolutely necessary on one's 'woundedness'. It is easy to 'wallow' in self-pity and get stuck there if one is not careful - that's why anger (at God) is sometimes better (at least for me), because it doesn't feel quite as good as self-pity, so it's easier to want to get out of it sooner. But that's just me. Then end of any relationship involves grief, and we all deal with this in our times, and our own ways. But eventually, with any grief, it is time to let go, let God, and move on again.
 
So the sooner one gets out of the negative aspects of the past, the sooner one starts to move forward and to feel better about the present and the future -- and then glancing back at the past doesn't seem to hurt as much anymore. It just becomes a small part of the tapestry of one's life.
 
They say that what doesn't kill you makes you strong.I don't know if that's true, but I do like this quote that my sister keeps on her fridge.
 
[font='times new roman', times, serif]"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."  - Leonard Cohen[/font]
 

A lot of food for thought; thank you, nunsense. (My work iPad keeps changing it to nonsense, so I apologise in advance if I ever call you that!) I've gone through a whole rollercoaster of blame them, blame me, blame them, blame me... At this point in time I no longer feel actively bitter towards them, and I do see that serious mistakes were made on both my and their part - not just 'quirks of humanity' but things that were concretely out of order. For example, once I figured out my abbess had this really loopy, out-of-touch side to her, I no longer trusted her judgment, and before I decided to leave I lived for a few months trying to keep her happy and on the side, do things according to my own best judgment. Which, as you well must know, is the final nail in the coffin for any attempt at monastic life!

And these days, yes I am beginning to see that a lot of it just was that I wasn't supposed to stay there forever. That used to feel like just a condescending thing people said but I think it's really true. The mothers who are tonsured, professed nuns there choose to stay, and keep choosing to stay despite the obvious problems. That's maybe braver than anything I'd be capable of. And in the meantime, I've discovered buckets of good and bad things about myself, and good and bad things about Orthodox monastic life, which I can use in this developing new project The Lord has put me in.


  

I'm happy to hear, petitpelerin, that you had a positive experience when you left your community. I also did. 
When I decided to leave, the sisters gave me more than enough provisions to restart my life outside the community. The Junior Sisters formator kept in regular contact with me, and still does (2 years later) by email. She has invited me to come and visit every so often. The Sisters are always so warm and welcoming when I visit.
I understand all of this to mean that they truly care about me, and had my best interest in mind when guiding me during my 5 years in the community. When someone tells you they love you, and then you see it in action... well, that really indicates that they do.
I will be forever grateful to my former community. They share my joy as well as I enter into a new vocation as wife and mom. Their continued support is a real witness.

 

You're so lucky to have that experience, and I'm so happy to read about a good, positive 'ending'! Enjoy it :)

 

Thank you for sharing marigold. I think it was honest but still charitable. For new/young discerners I think it's important to understand and be aware of unhealthy communities and their effects on formation and vowed life. When I first started discerning, I was pretty naive about communities (I still am in a lot of ways!) and I thought as long as they followed church teachings and wore habits they were "good" (as in healthy, not holy... there are many holy people in difficult communities). I had to learn, once the hard way, mostly through wiser people's advice, that it's a lot more complicated than that! This article really helped: http://catholicexchange.com/sifting-the-wheat-from-the-tares-20-signs-of-trouble-in-a-new-religious-group
 
If it's ok, I wonder if you would have anything to add to that? I had a brief discernment with a community which I was close to joining, and I would mention a few things:
a) If it's all happening very fast, don't necessarily take it as a sign that God wants it to happen (but don't necessarily take it as a bad sign either). Slow down a bit, get other people's input, put it in His hands. 
b) See if you can find out how the community is thought of by the priests, bishops, and other people who come in contact with them/work with them. Just because their presence is tolerated, allowed, or yes, even asked for doesn't guarantee they're well thought of.

Interesting. My former community actually doesn't really have any of those cultic warning signs, at least not at a first read-through, but I'll go away and think about it. Your point b is pretty accurate though. As soon as I left I started hearing what people really thought...