Was Macht Der Fuchs Sagan?

[cartermia]

Volleyball starts next week so it better heal by then! 

 

Can you all say a prayer for my Aunt A, she is 96 (I think...) and is in hospice. She hasn't eaten or drank for the past two weeks. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. 

[cartermia]

Aunt A passed away last night, prayers please. Thanks so much! 

[cartermia]

So I asked my mom if I could not go to Aunt A's funeral. I went to the visitation tonight and I could hardly bare it. I feel like I am being selfish by not going though. Instead of going I will help with a summer camp I have been planning to help with since last year. Mom told me that I have already paid my respects so I should be fine. 

I served a funeral on Saturday but I didn't know the woman and the funeral was Catholic. Dad and Aunt A's weren't/will not be, they were Protestant. I just cannot bear to go to another family member's funeral. 

I guess I will go and help with the camp which means I better get to bed since I have to get up in the morning. 

[cartermia]

I'm probably the worst person on updates in the summer! Mea culpa! 

Today I will head off to my camp and it will hopefully be fun and get my mind off of stuff. 

Ive been reading a lot lately and playing the piano but not much else. 

I need to go finish up some stuff before I go off to camp so I better get it done! 

[cartermia]

So I got back from camp last week and it was amesome! One of my friend's (Mae) birthday is a month after mine so we are playing a combined sweet sixteen campfire at the camp grounds in October. I'm in charge of invitations so I'm going to make them. I'm drawing the final copy now and my brother is going to make the card he said. It will be fun I hope! 

[cartermia]

School starts in 12 days... my preparation for my consecration starts in 4 days... My 16th birthday is in 37 days... Dad's 4 month anniversary of his passing is in 38 days... Too many number's and I cannot find a numerical sequence with it.... 

[cartermia]

Bye Bye Birdie is a good play...

[cartermia]

I have been having twilight devils the past few nights. I am doubting lots of things in my life and its really getting to me. Prayers please! 

[TheresaThoma]

Twilight devils are the worst, as hard as it is try to focus on something good. I will pray for you.

[cartermia]

Thanks TT! Even the Rosary won't help it! (Been doing Glorious, luminous. And joyful because the sorrowful mysteries make me think about stuff even more.) 

I am on day 2 of my preparation for my consecration. I am doubting if I should do the consecration right now, I know its crazy. If I needed the consecration anytime in my life it is right now. I will continue on with the preparation, I can always stop if I am not ready. 

I go back to school in 5 days... Way too sad! This summer hasn't been a summer, its just been time off from school for me to over analyze everything in my life. 

[cartermia]

Tomorrow is my first day of my junior year of school! Prayers please for sleep, twilight devils... 

[cartermia]

Okay I have my summer reading assignment done and my paper that was assigned today. I have Fr. B (SD) as my religion teacher this year. He was the only teacher that gave us homework. 

[cartermia]

First full week of school is done and I am ready for summer! It is going to be hard and rough year I can tell. I am going to be emotionally worn out (and physically) but I will embrace this trial and hopefully be able to learn something from it. I am thankful that Joey (the guy who called me a self centered s**t and who had a  crush on me freshmen year) transferred to a different school. That was some good news. 

My siblings go back to college tomorrow so it will just be my mom, my dog, and me at my house. It is going to be hard. I will get the full fire of my mom's emotions and attention so this is going to be hard.  My dad won't be here to help me with math or have philosophical/theological/musical discussions with. To say the least not having dad is going to be the hardest. 

His cell phone voicemail is still activated, I called it the other night when I was having my twilight devils (ended up going to bed around 4 that night..) and just cried into the phone. I'm just done emotionally. 

Prayers please for everything! 

[TheresaThoma]

Carter I've been in a very similar pair of shoes and all I can really say is, it s*cks. (Sorry to be blunt but I learned early on the normal "comforting" phrases really don't help) The shock isn't there anymore, but the pain still is. But you find that somehow you keep on going. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries will be hard. You just find a new normal, one awkward step at a time. I wanted to type more but basically the most comforting thing I can say is it s*cks. And for me over three years later it still s*cks, it just hurts a bit less.

PM me if you want, whenever you need. Its hard being the sibling at home, and I know it is more than just needing help with math that you want your dad there but if you need I'm pretty decent at math as well.

[cartermia]

Thanks TT! Thank you for saying that its not going to get better or go back to normal. I have heard too many people spewing that BS at me lately.  Thank you so much for your offer to PM you and for the math help. I may have to take you up on that. I just got a F on a test... I was really not prepared for it. Stupid Alegbra II! 

[cartermia]

So I played at Mass for the first time last Friday. It went really bad. Fr. B (religion teacher, old SD) voluntold (volunteered/told) me I was going to play a couple of days before I had to. Fr. Michael (possibly new SD) gave me a list of multiple songs (that the students wouldn't know) and told me to learn them. I knew the songs but I knew my classmates didn't so I told him and he said it would be alright. So I learned the songs and played them at Mass. I was having this one guy (Will) cantor for me but he (like me) had never did his position at Mass before. He forgot when to sing so I ended up doing like a solo multiple times which was super embarrassing because I wasn't feeling good. By the closing hymn though I had gotten the congregation whipped into shape and they were following my lead. Lol.

 

About the new SD thing; Fr. B was my SD but he has gotten reassigned to two parishes close to my school so he is still teaching there but he is no longer my school Chaplin and says that he thinks it would be best if I found another SD. Now Fr. Michael is our new school Chaplin and he teaches at the school (8th and 9th grade religion and Spanish I and II). He has asked me multiple times if "I was going to become a nun" and it just so happened that my aunt who likes to talk and knows about my discernment was right there when he asked me. She said, "Carter, you are still thinking about it right?" This was around like several strangers so it was really awkward and I said, " I have thought about it in the past but have not decided what I want to do with my life." I gave my aunt the *I'm gonna kill you* look lol. Father dropped the topic because I think he picked up on the tension. \

Last week though I decided I should at least be honest with him so I asked if I could speak to him after school for a few minutes. He said sure and as soon as I walked in his room to speak he had a smile on his face and said, "So what community do I need to contact and when do you want to enter?" I explained to him that I am trying to discern if I should discern right now (does that make sense?) because I know my current vocation is to do well in school and to be there for my mother. I told him about stuff that had been going on and how I kind of have been made at God lately because of everything that has happened. He stopped me and asked if it was about my dad (I had never mentioned my father or anything but I knew he knew) and I shook my head yes.

He asked my what spirituality I liked and I said Benedictine (and Carmelite somewhat) then I asked him which one he was fond of (even though I thought I knew). He is a Dominican fan and knows several Nashies and DSMMEs. I told him that I would have guessed that. He said that he had quite a few Benedictine friends and has a friend who is a Discalde  Carmelite. He said if I ever needed to talk and needed SD then he would be more then willing to help. I thanked him then I went off to volleyball practice and he went and got Fr. B's dog to bring to volleyball practice. (The dog likes to run with us when we run and Fr. Michael helps coach us.)

 

So this is me. lol it isn't very exciting but it never has been really exciting.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

So I played at Mass for the first time last Friday. It went really bad. Fr. B (religion teacher, old SD) voluntold (volunteered/told) me I was going to play a couple of days before I had to. Fr. Michael (possibly new SD) gave me a list of multiple songs (that the students wouldn't know) and told me to learn them. I knew the songs but I knew my classmates didn't so I told him and he said it would be alright. So I learned the songs and played them at Mass. I was having this one guy (Will) cantor for me but he (like me) had never did his position at Mass before. He forgot when to sing so I ended up doing like a solo multiple times which was super embarrassing because I wasn't feeling good. By the closing hymn though I had gotten the congregation whipped into shape and they were following my lead. Lol.

 

About the new SD thing; Fr. B was my SD but he has gotten reassigned to two parishes close to my school so he is still teaching there but he is no longer my school Chaplin and says that he thinks it would be best if I found another SD. Now Fr. Michael is our new school Chaplin and he teaches at the school (8th and 9th grade religion and Spanish I and II). He has asked me multiple times if "I was going to become a nun" and it just so happened that my aunt who likes to talk and knows about my discernment was right there when he asked me. She said, "Carter, you are still thinking about it right?" This was around like several strangers so it was really awkward and I said, " I have thought about it in the past but have not decided what I want to do with my life." I gave my aunt the *I'm gonna kill you* look lol. Father dropped the topic because I think he picked up on the tension. \

Last week though I decided I should at least be honest with him so I asked if I could speak to him after school for a few minutes. He said sure and as soon as I walked in his room to speak he had a smile on his face and said, "So what community do I need to contact and when do you want to enter?" I explained to him that I am trying to discern if I should discern right now (does that make sense?) because I know my current vocation is to do well in school and to be there for my mother. I told him about stuff that had been going on and how I kind of have been made at God lately because of everything that has happened. He stopped me and asked if it was about my dad (I had never mentioned my father or anything but I knew he knew) and I shook my head yes.

He asked my what spirituality I liked and I said Benedictine (and Carmelite somewhat) then I asked him which one he was fond of (even though I thought I knew). He is a Dominican fan and knows several Nashies and DSMMEs. I told him that I would have guessed that. He said that he had quite a few Benedictine friends and has a friend who is a Discalde  Carmelite. He said if I ever needed to talk and needed SD then he would be more then willing to help. I thanked him then I went off to volleyball practice and he went and got Fr. B's dog to bring to volleyball practice. (The dog likes to run with us when we run and Fr. Michael helps coach us.)

 

So this is me. lol it isn't very exciting but it never has been really exciting.

I enjoyed this and learned quite a bit. I realized that it is a not a totally bad thing that I live 2000 miles from my niece and nephew because it means that I never embarrass them in front of other people. (Actually, I thought it was a parent's responsibility to embarrass their child(ren), and that an aunt's job is be totally cool, as well as supportive and understanding. But, perhaps that is the grandparent's job. I am SO confused.)

I also thought it was really lovely to go pick up a dog just so the dog could participate in volleyball practice. Does the dog get in the way?

I didn't really understand what was going on with the Mass story, but then again, I'm not Catholic, and it's been a long time since I've been to a Catholic Mass. I married a Catholic, and attended Mass a lot then, particularly when we were engaged, but that was during the "dark days" when the standard music at Mass was bad guitar and lame songs. (Don't get me wrong--I LOVE guitar music, but because I also love religious music, bad guitar playing combined with lame songs hurts my ears. It was all the more awful because when my ex and I were dating, we alternated between Episcopal and Catholic Masses, and the Episcopalian Masses at the parish we attended had an outstanding choir, sung/chanted services, and traditional hymns (where the congregation actually sang). Sometimes for a change, we would go to a (Catholic) Spanish Mass. (We lived in LA, and at that point in my life I was virtually fluent in Spanish.) The music was outstanding, the congregation was reverent--I loved Spanish Masses. 

Stupid question: Before Phatmass, I had never heard of a cantor in a Catholic Mass. For whatever reason, I have lived in heavily Jewish neighborhoods all my life and have been to many Jewish Sabbath services. So, I understand the role of a cantor in a Jewish service, but not a Catholic Mass. In Episcopalian Masses, it is usually the priest who leads the chant, or perhaps the choir director. Okay, that's one other thing I don't understand about Catholic churches. Every Episcopal church I know of, no matter how small, has a choir director. The Catholic church closest to me is huge. It has a large sanctuary, and offers five Masses on Sundays, two (or is it three?) Masses on Saturdays, and two Masses every weekday. They have at least 20 church organizations, but no choir, and thus, no choir director. It's not for lack of money because the parish is in an affluent area. What gives? I have never even been tempted to visit this parish because of its lack of music (and with no choir, it likely has no chant.)

Thank-you for letting me hijack your thread. I'll leave you to return to your usual programming. 

[cartermia]

Iggy, aunts and uncles were put on this earth to embarrass their nieces and nephews, or at least that is my understanding. 

I totally get what you mean about the "dark days"! And I am sorry that I was not all to clear about the Mass story.

Fr. Michael came up to me in Fr. B's class and asked me/told me that I was going to play the organ at Mass on Friday. I am just now learning the organ and have never accompanied anyone on the piano especially a whole congregation at Mass. He gave me a huge list of songs to learn (that a lot of the students didn't know) but he said it would be okay, his homily was going to quote the songs. (They were good old songs, not the new hippy music there is today.) I said okay and learned them. 

Friday came before I knew it and I practiced on the strange organ (we went to a neighboring parish) and I thought I was ready for Mass. I had practiced with Will so he knew the songs and I thought we were set to go. I guess Will got nervous or something and didn't sing so it through everything off. Fr. B (who sings really well) helped me though and it was really nice of him. 

The purpose of the cantor is to assist the accompanist into creating a beautiful liturgy through the heavenly gift of music. God allowed man to learn music so that it could be used to praise him in the Divine Liturgy of the Mass. We (the musicians) are just instruments that are able to possess some of that beauty and bring it to the congregation. Basically the cantor assist in being the beauty of heaven down to earth. Lol did this make any sense?

Time for class! Bye! 

[cartermia]

So I have two prayer request please. I have been selected out of my diocese to be a prolife ambassador and the induction breakfast is tomorrow. I have no knowledge of what is going to happen or what to expect. Prayers please! 

Also please offer a pray for Fr. Michael. I can tell that he is so tired but he has so much to do. He was just ordained in May and I think he thinks he can take on the world. Please say a prayer for him also because he godfather passed away  two weeks ago. 

Thank you!!!

[TheresaThoma]

Carter you mentioned discerning if you should discern right now. I went through something very similar after my dad passed away. My first reaction was that I should take a year off from discerning. Right after I made that decision it felt like all I could think of was my discernment. And there was just such a pull on my heart to not put it aside. So listen to what your heart is telling you but also talk it over with your spiritual director. If you feel that pull to keep moving forward then do so. Don't be ashamed of being ready to continue on with your life. 

I will pray for you and your spiritual director. My spiritual director was just ordained this spring as well and I know what you mean about them wanting to take on the world. It is inspiring but they definitely need our prayers.